I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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