I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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