Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
