My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Randomize
