You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
