Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Randomize
