new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
