I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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