im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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