Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
