Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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