Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
