if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
