hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Randomize
