I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize
