There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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