I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
