my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
