The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
My liver just had a heart attack.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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