I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Randomize
