Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
