Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Randomize
