ya dads aren't the best wingmen
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Randomize
