Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
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dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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