Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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