ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Randomize
