...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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