she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Randomize
