You just made me feel so damn special
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Randomize
