she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
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I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
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We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
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