I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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