I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
