five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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