After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
