Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
