its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
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