do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
