OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
