did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
