Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Randomize
