I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
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