just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
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