He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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