Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Randomize
