I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
