im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
