found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
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