I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
