I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
