i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
