She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
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