Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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