I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
