As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Randomize
