grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
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