At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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