If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Randomize
