Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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