i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
